Arizona Trip, Counseling
2019-03-10 - 12:45 a.m.

A lot has happened in the past two months...

We went to Arizona and extended the trip out to 3 weeks. When we went to get the rental car, we found out that no one would rent to my son because he's not 21 yet. Then he admitted just how terrible he was feeling. He told me that the last time we were in AZ, he attempted suicide again when he returned home. My heart sunk. We had a difficult conversation from around 10 pm to 4 am. It was really emotional conversation at times. I cannot express just how much I wish I could ease his pain. If I could take it all away from him and put it on myself, I would.

I'm supposed to be sharing things with Brent as part of our therapy to build our relationship. In the morning, Brent as mad at me for not coming to bed and to leaving him out of the conversation. (When I leave Brent out, it's called "triangulation". Basically, he's a third wheel and I'm supposed to start bringing him into conversations). I took a deep breath and against my better judgement told Brent that my son was suicidal, attempted suicide a few months ago, couldn't get a rental car, and desperately needed to get to get some medical marijuana to help him through the nights. As I anticipated, Brent didn't take it well. He completely ignored the part where my son is suicidal and tried to kill himself. All Brent could compute was that somehow the car and medical marijuana was now a huge burden and he needed to solve the problem. I told him over and over and over that he didn't need to do a single thing and I was just sharing because that is what I'm supposed to do to build this relationship. His brain was shooting sparks and he just couldn't process that. All heard was PROBLEMS. He was flipping out. We fought for hours. As if I needed an argument on top of all the other stuff. Without getting boring with details, Brent felt this overwhelming anxiety about asking his parents to borrow their car, renting a car, and me driving to California to get medical marijuana. He felt this was all his problem and somehow I was incapable of handling it.

We ended up renting a car. My son and I drove to California to get medical marijuana. Over there, you can have a 5 minute conversation with a doctor on the phone and they will give you a medical card. We thought we needed that so he could go into a dispensary (you have to be 21 or have a medical card). Turns out, the dispensary we went to needed the physical card and we only had a letter that comes via email to tide you over until the card arrives in the mail. I ended up going in. That was weird. Arizona honors out of state medical cards, and now my son had one from our home state and from California. We were covered if anyone asked any questions in CA or AZ. That medical marijuana really helped him get through the three weeks. When he was feeling bad and his friends weren't there for support / I was in bed, it gave him that serotonin boost that he needed to get through. Overall, the trip to AZ was good. We went skydiving, painted the new house, and best of all - relaxed.

After three weeks in AZ, my son returned to his "friends" in Newark and realized that they weren't really his friends after all. He ended up moving out! I really am happy about that. It's great to have him home again.

Once home, he started to get a bit paranoid and slipped back into another mixed episode (depression and hypomania at the same time). We are currently trying a new medication and tweaking the dosage. It's only been a week on the new meds. At times he says he feels normal, but as the medication starts to wear off, the symptoms start to return and he gets really upset and hopeless. I really hope this new med helps.

After returning to AZ, my son went to talk to our counselor twice. The first time was with Brent and me present. My son was really angry and said he absolutely does not want anything to do with Brent or with repairing their relationship. Brent cried and was pretty hurt. The second time, he met one-on-one with the counselor and explained why he didn't want a relationship. After the second meeting, we all agreed that it was our goal to at least get Brent and my son to the point where they can feel comfortable in the same room together. Brent isn't aware of all the pain and damage he caused my son. It's something we were supposed to cover in upcoming sessions. However, Brent has a bunch of trips coming up and yesterday was the last meeting we will have before leaving for AZ. The counselor explained that my son was pretty hurt and is dealing with a lot right now. She suggested that Brent try to communicate with him and let him know that he's sorry and explain that he was abused as a child. Not sure if that will help. We really could use a few years of therapy for Brent and my son to work through their issues.

On the way home from therapy, it is the norm for Brent to feel bad and start an argument with me. That is the one thing I HATE about counseling. There is no getting around that post-session argument. This time, Brent was upset that he tries so hard and it's never good enough. He asked me for the millionth time what I wanted from him. I told him for the millionth time that I need to be comfortable talking / sharing information with him. I reminded him of Arizona because it was such a train wreck. He suggested that maybe we break up. I hate when we go there. I told him that now would be a good time to break up because I'm already packing. So just let me know what he wants so I can plan a place to live. OMG, we argued for HOURS. I hate it. It was well after midnight and I was still telling him that he better think about it over the next week when he's traveling and let me know. He settled on trying harder to be calm and non-judgemental when I tell him things. We went to bed and I asked myself what the fuck I just did. Do I really want to drag this on anymore? Why do I keep allowing this to go on?

Here's where I am today:
- No job, no interviews, no leads
- No home (if we break up)
- No money for a downpayment on an apartment
- Unemployment checks end in two weeks
- My son needs medication ($$) and I have bills ($$)

So yes, it would be in my own best interest to stay in this relationship. But this is where I always get myself into trouble. I think about it logically instead of emotionally. Life keeps giving me chances to move on, but I'm always financially strapped and can't do it. I NEED a good paying job so I can support my son's medical expenses. It's so incredibly expensive.

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